LUXURY AT EDINBURGH ZOO

One of the most infuriating things in life must be when a service provider fails in the quality and then goes into denial. You know the sort of thing, whatever you were reasonably expecting turns out to be less than good and you try to point this out - only to be met by either a blank refusal to address the problem or a string of feeble excuses.

This has been brought home to me over the last few days as I have been making a visit back to the auld country.

I will give some examples each in their own way indicative of the "my service is crap" denial syndrome.

Firstly on a visit to Edinburgh Zoo with my teenage nephew I took him for lunch to the "Mansion" house in the Zoo which is primarily aimed at members of the Royal Scottish Zoological Society and is promised in the Zoo's literature as being a touch of "luxury." Now it must be said that the 18th century building is impressive although the fact that the main entrance is in a service area does let it down.

According to the Zoo, "The Mansion House at Edinburgh Zoo is a truly unique venue, offering charm, elegance, impeccable service and access to over 1,000 wonderful animals! We are open 365 days of the year."

Maybe they should close for a few of those days and do some maintenance work as the following might demonstrate.

On entering the dining room we discovered that it was closed as they were setting up for a wedding - the next day! We were invited to dine in the bar -where the full lunch menu would be available. This seemed good. However the luxury menu consisted of burgers, barbecue chicken, and a ploughman’s lunch which featured two types of cheddar cheese (presumably brie, edam or god help us stilton is beyond the pale).

Whilst waiting over 15 minutes for the requisite burgers and chicken bits to appear we had plenty of time to see the torn fabric on the bar benches, the torn and dirty seat covers, the less than sympathetic placing of fire alarms and signage which could be described as local authority brutal. Oh and plenty of time to explain to the barmaid what a shandy was!

A visit to the toilet was no better. Now I don’t want to appear snobby but in an establishment that prides itself on the “luxury” service it provides it is a bit déclassé to see that the guests share the staff’s toilets.

More importantly the toilet had the blue wheel chaired symbol that meant it was suitable for disabled users. That would be the disabled users capable of pushing one very heavy door open from left to right and whilst holding it open then holding a second very heavy door open from left to right. Of course it helps if you can wait until some-one else needs to use the toilet and then follow in their wake! How much does it take to remove the inner door and mechanise the outer one? The response from the manager was that “its an old building and we can’t change it because of the heritage people.” I suppose that they have never heard of the Disability Discrimination Act 1995.

Once inside the toilet cubicle a new problem indeed a danger presented itself. The lock facing of the door was missing…and going on the accumulated grime had been for some time exposing two very sharp nails to welcome the unwary. With the wounds wrapped in tissue my complaint was met by the managers confident statement that “somebody else does the toilets.” Maybe the beloved managerial excuse of “Health and Safety” would in this case be appropriate.

Having performed the tasks that one does in such places the next issue was the very disabled flush mechanism…that is the brass chain that ended at least 2 metres above the ground (a rough guestimate based on the distance between the top of my 1.78cm and the chain). Now I’m unable to lift my arms above my shoulders so that was out (and pity the poor guy in a wheelchair). Yet when brought to the attention of the management this was shrugged off as having been passed by the “disabled people”. Disability Discrimination Act again people, or possibly basic common-sense.

Before leaving the toilets one final look around reveals dirt and grime that is caked to the floor and sinks…perhaps a new eco-system for the zoo! The first response from the staff was “it’s a different company and they don’t appear to have mopped around today ” was contradicted by the boss who asserted that she had seen them clean it “three times” that day.

Back however to the food which had by now arrived.

My burger (ordered medium rare) was charcoal on the outside and sawdust in the middle (Manager – Scottish Law insists that we now cook burgers this was…it’s Health and Safety.”

The accompanying salad leaves were dry and undressed and no dressing was available to render them palatable (Manager – the public have complained about dressings so we don’t do them.) I assume that they have never heard of sauce boats or even bottles of oil, vinaigrette or mayo.

Under a pile of chips lurked of all things potato salad – the manager was silent on this point but I believe that she couldn’t grasp that potato overload could ever happen.

The nephew’s barbecued chicken baguette came as a self assembly job with the chicken and baguette lying beside each other on the plate. Tasty!

It took complaining to three members of staff before I got to speak to the manager who produced the best excuse of all when she said “we don’t get any money from the government and all of the money goes on the animals.”

This composite excuse is really quite good. So good each of the two parts needs to be looked at separately.

First government money. Think about it…why should they get money from the government. I went to Celtic Park 2 days later to see Celtic humble Rangers neither of them get money from the government and know that a big part of their business is keeping the paying punter happy. But zoos (I have encountered this excuse elsewhere) all seem to think that in some way they should have government money and because they don’t any old service is justified.

As to the animals I can say with some expertise, since I am a zoologist by trade, that I care about animals – deeply. Edinburgh Zoo’s animals are brilliantly kept, most in modern facilities. My own speciality is chimpanzees and the new Budongo Forest facility at Edinburgh is world class. On this visit I saw penguins being hand fed, monkeys and chimps with excellent browse available, frisky rhinos and active big cats. Edinburgh does very well by it’s animals and rightly so. Yet it treats its human guests appallingly. That’s the people who put the money in the coffers “for the animals.”

We were promised luxury and formal dining as can be seen in the Zoo’s paper and online claims (http://www.edinburghzoo.org.uk/PageAccess.aspx?id=16) and got nothing like it. To be fair however they did take 50% off the bill after the whole sorry episode.

Crap and over-priced food, crap environment (did I mention the “luxury” paper napkins), disgusting toilets and excuses from hell.

Truly an excellent example of the "my service is crap" denial syndrome.